I’ve known it all along…

…but it’s finally been cemented for me tonight. My parents are not always looking out for me. They don’t always want to help. Frankly, they are much more interested in making sure they are enjoying their success than helping to ensure mine. Does this sound selfish on my part? Absolutely. Does it change the fact that I think they should help someone that they brought into the world under their choice? No. The specifics don’t matter. What does is that I’m officially writing off any idea that they are going to be there for me to rely upon. The notion that if I fuck things up, I’m not going to end up in a box is completely out the window. Because, I think if it came right down to it, I may end up with this:

“Mom, I’m on the street. Can you come pick me up? I need to come home.”

“…”

“Mom?”

“I’m sorry, Nick. We are just so busy this week with Hannah’s lessons and we just took Bailey to the vet and we just don’t have any way to help you. Can’t you call one of your coworkers?”

This may not be completely fair, of course. They are coming to help me move in two weeks. They have helped me move more often than not (there were only three times when I moved completely on my own.) My dad gave me $2000 to put towards my first semester of tuition, $2000 towards the purchase of my Golf and helped me cosign on loans. My mom has been chipping in $180/mo or so for my half-grand of school loans and covered the interest payments during the time that I was in school. But when I compare it to what my friends have been given…namely tuition, cars, interest free loans on huge amounts…I can’t help but feel like I’m drawing the short end of the stick here.

Yes, I did secure a fantastic job and I will be starting it soon. Yes, things could be far, far worse. I’m aware of this. But that doesn’t change my circumstances nor my feelings because of them. I’m tired of feeling like I’m being ungrateful and out of line every single time I ask for help. And feeling like a failure for asking for far less than any of my direct peers could. I want to be able to do it on my own, but sometimes you just need help. If you can’t rely on your family at this sort of time, who are you supposed to turn to, exactly?