Douche-y things…
I spent a lot of time on America’s highways and byways (and triways?) this weekend. It was a good opportunity to notice how many doucheflakes are commuting to and fro in this great land. I thought perhaps I’d write a list of the most douchetacular things I’ve encountered. Here we go:
- By far the worst, the faux testicles that people buy to hang off of their trailer hitches. Ew. And ew again. I don’t want to see your nut sack and I certainly don’t want to see anything that resembles it on your Ford. Thanks anyway.
- Euro plates on non-Euro cars. A ’92 Accord coupe with Euro plates does not make any sense. Even if you did spend $57.83 to get clear tail lights and M3 mirrors on eBay.
- The Dodge Caravan/Plymouth Voyager/Chrysler Town & Country. Any year, any color. Bonus points if it’s from New Jersey. Double bonus if it’s rusty, too.
- The L.L. Bean Edition anything. Enough said.
- No turn signals or fifteen miles of turning left…especially when it’s a cop. (Thanks, Kate.)
- Old people driving a Mercedes R-Class (champagne, of course), ten miles per hour below the speed limit, in the left lane, all four of them zoning out while staring in different directions.
I should have written this up the other day when I was still enraged. Sorry for the lack of oomph. However, I know you all have a favorite that you’d like to share. (Lindsie, I’m looking at you and your trips on the 76s.)
People who insist on playing some sort of passing game with you when you are cruise-controllin’. They pass you, because they are in some sort of hurry. Then, they pull back into your lane. You almost immediately have to pass them to keep from rear-ending them. ARGH.
SHOW UP TO THAT BLACK TIE AFFAIR IN STYLE. A SHARP DRESSED TUXEDO NUT. THESE ARE POWDER COATED IN A GLOSSY FINISH. PERFECT FOR SPECIAL OCCASSIONS.
I think the most douche baggy thing on 76 is when two semis are driving on the right and then the one in the back decides that 64 mph is just too slow so he passes…going 65. This creates a mini traffic jam all on its own as it takes 23 minutes to get around each other. Damn truckers should be restricted to one road in each state. I don’t care if it takes longer to get where they’re going, they just need to get the hell out of my way. Hmmm, perhaps I’ll write my congressman….