Douche-y things…

I spent a lot of time on America’s highways and byways (and triways?) this weekend. It was a good opportunity to notice how many doucheflakes are commuting to and fro in this great land. I thought perhaps I’d write a list of the most douchetacular things I’ve encountered. Here we go:

1. By far the worst, the faux testicles that people buy to hang off of their trailer hitches. Ew. And ew again. I don’t want to see your nut sack and I certainly don’t want to see anything that resembles it on your Ford. Thanks anyway.
2. Euro plates on non-Euro cars. A ’92 Accord coupe with Euro plates does not make any sense. Even if you did spend $57.83 to get clear tail lights and M3 mirrors on eBay.
3. The Dodge Caravan/Plymouth Voyager/Chrysler Town & Country. Any year, any color. Bonus points if it’s from New Jersey. Double bonus if it’s rusty, too.
4. The L.L. Bean Edition anything. Enough said.
5. No turn signals or fifteen miles of turning left…especially when it’s a cop. (Thanks, Kate.)
6. Old people driving a Mercedes R-Class (champagne, of course), ten miles per hour below the speed limit, in the left lane, all four of them zoning out while staring in different directions.

I should have written this up the other day when I was still enraged. Sorry for the lack of oomph. However, I know you all have a favorite that you’d like to share. (Lindsie, I’m looking at you and your trips on the 76s.)

Oh, hells yes…

Next car has been decided upon (I think – for now.) Behold, the BMW 1 Series! On sale in Spring 2008 here in the States, I’ll be buying a 128i if I have my way. 🙂

I’ve totally got to get a driveway…

…having off on Wednesday was pretty kick ass.

Getting out of my parking spot this morning: not so much. I’m not entirely sure how I actually did it, but there was definitely a heroic amount of engine revving and spinning. Probably looked ridiculous for anyone living over my alleyway. Picture my Jetta, bustin’ out of the garage at like 15 mph, full stop before I plowed into the electric pole, snow flying as I ramped over a 2 foot snowbank and then ditched hard into my neighbour’s spot. I’d pee myself giggling from my window if I were upstairs.

Of course, I totally – and purposely – got it hung up in a drift on the way back from the grocery store tonight. I just wanted to see if I could get through the little secret alley I use to get home. Haha. I’m glad Nate was there to push or I’d have just left Klaus until the morning.

Speaking of morning, I should get ready for bed because 6 am approaches quickly.

Tonight, on the table of steal-able things…

So, I curbed my front passenger wheel cover last week. Replaced it and what else was I going to do with the old one? Presenting, the silliest wreath you’ve seen today.

I’m tired and it’s only Tuesday night. Apparently I did not sleep enough over the weekend. Well, I know this for a fact since I was up by 8 both days. I’m also hopelessly confused about what I’m going to do with my job/moving situation. I wish I could make up my mind. Someone do it for me, ‘kay?

Thanks.

Here’s a fun game for you to play at home…

It’s called “Nick’s Evening.” To play:

1. Drink four cups of coffee.
2. Drive five miles.
3. Drive five miles back.
4. Eat dinner.
5. Print this photo then drive five miles.
6. Stare at the above photo for two hours.
7. Drive five miles back, again. Throw $43 out of the window on the way.
8. Optional: stab yourself in the eyes.

This game is also called “Going for a routine oil change at PepBoys.”

Today’s word is ‘retardulous’…

I can’t really even begin to explain just how frustrating my commute was this morning. See, I had to take Tigg to her crazy cat home for shots and spaying this evening and I had to do this before work at nine. Also, I had to drop Nate’s ass off for class at the Walker Building. So, I got to experience a longer stretch of 220 than usual (read: more fuckasses blocking the left lane at 60 mph) and all of Atherton (read: the parade of red lights.) To top it off, students have decided that this is it! This is the year that they will no longer be shackled by the inconvenience of looking for cars before they cross the street. They had already thrown off the oppression of crosswalks, so now they can finally take flight and enjoy a life unconstrained by their own safety! I’m glad I got to be at the epicenter of the dawning of their Age of Aquarius, or somesuch.

Finally barreling through to Park Ave. and on my way to the parking lot – which, incidentally, is on the complete opposite side of campus from my office, closer to where I dropped Nate off – I encounter some sort of waste spill on the road. This wouldn’t really be an issue since it was in the parking spaces/loading area by North Halls, but a police barricade with four squad cars was blocking the intersection adjacent to the spill. Now, most normal people would just continue one more block to the next right turn and then circle around…but, ho-ho…not the people in front of me. No sir! They are far too special in their tan, wheat and champagne SUVs. They must all block the entire intersection to ask the police officers if they can “maybe, just this once, make an exception” so they can turn through the impassable barricade. The look of utter contempt on the police officers’ faces when they disappointed the behemoth-piloting motorists with a “No, in fact, you cannot pass through the (potentially) toxic waste” was enough to keep me from running any bitches over.

And now I’m at the bus stop in the rain. And this is where my life starts flashing before my eyes. You see, Penn State decided that the first days of class would be the ideal moment in time to change the bus stops and, therefore, bus routes. So, the bus drivers are now hopelessly lost and horribly confused. The woman driving my particular Blue Loop of Doom had decreed that the best way to deal with HER new route would be to drive as fast as bus-ed-ly possible while taking every corner at full steam. Since she was clearly trying for a land speed record, she hadn’t the time for stopping the bus and thusly missed letting three people off when they pulled the cord. How we didn’t hit any of the cars that we were poised precariously on the edge of slamming into, I do not know, but I definitely thought on at least three occasions “Okay, this is it. I’m going to die on the Loop today and there is nothing I can do to change that.”

I wanted to kiss the floor when I stepped into my office, knowing that the ground was no longer moving under me and that I was safe from any more travel-induced mishaps.

*spent*

A challenge conquered!

Keith is the champeen, having found the coolest VW Rabbit ad this side of ever. Thanks muchly, new best friend! Now, for your viewing pleasure, the advertisement. (You know, in case you couldn’t click your way into comments.)

The first person that can find me video on the interweb of the adorable new VW Rabbit ad wins my eternal devotion as a friend.

For reals. You can probably even sell a prize like that on eBay.