TV train wreck: “Expedition Africa”

Thank you, Mark Burnett. Not only did you give us “Survivor,” but now we have a second pile of crap to go with it. “Expedition Africa” follows the totally real-life journey of four “elite modern-day explorers” as they retrace Stanley Livingstone’s journey into the heart of Africa. And fight. Constantly. About everything.

The first was between Pasquale, an expedition leader and Kevin, a journalist (his elite skill: typing articles on his MacBook) who could not agree on how much water to carry. Kevin won the argument (why?) and they ran out moments later. Everyone gets cranky. Mirayaeayeea, the wildlife expert (and sun-ins expert from the looks of it) got upset and started talking about Pasquale hurting her feelings. And then Benedicte (who either wants to bone her or cook her like his dog – yes, he revealed he ate his dog on a past expedition) decided to start getting pissy equal opportunity-style.

In one hour of TV, we watched a team of supposed gung-ho, capable adventurers turn bitchy, ornery and useless. Now, certainly, in the humidity, heat and fetid conditions of the mangrove stands of Tanzania, I’d have been a sniveling baby. However, I’m not exactly someone that would SIGN UP FOR THIS SHOW. So, I’m completely flabbergasted as to how these four dimwits are going to make it a thousand miles when their party has nearly devolved into chaos after only NINE.

Yes, thank you, Mark Burnett. So very much.

My New Theme Song

Thank you so very much, io9!

Olly who?

If you haven’t been watching the Travel Channel’s “Mark & Olly: Living with the Machigenga,” you may have missed out on one of the better shows this season. Mark (our ex-military adventurer – a greying, less deranged Bear Grylls) and Olly (our bumbling journalist) have taken their nearly neo-Victorian explorations to Peru to live with a tribe of people known as the Machigenga. Not content to merely study these people, Mark and Olly have decided to live with them as members of the community. So far we’ve seen these two Brits high as kites on shamanic medicines, attempting to build canoes out of felled trees and teaching the tribe how to make a proper cup of Earl Grey.

But, the real star of the series this time around has been an accidental cast member. On a hunting exhibition, the tribesmen shot down two wooly monkeys – a father and mother, as it turned out. As they crashed down to the ground from the canopy, their tiny baby fell with them. While the Machigenga had no qualms about eating mom and dad, they decided to keep the baby on as a pet and gave it to Mark with the promise that it would “help him do things” in the village.

As far as I can tell, baby Gianna is mostly interested in helping ratings for the show and being the focus of a web series, “The Adventures of Mark and His Monkey.” It may be the cutest thing imaginable, watching this globetrotting adventurer fall madly in love with a very clever little chattering critter. The fact that she reminds both Kate and I of Bellatrix only adds to the joy of watching these videos every single week after the show.

Luckily, the webisodes are online forever and there’s going to be an all day marathon of “Mark & Olly” this Sunday, starting at 3 pm. I highly recommend tuning in and going head over heels for “Monkeyface,” too.